I always wonder how different my life would be if I were to fit in. To not be an insider looking in or to not have to pretend to be normal. Would it be simpler? Would I actually be normal or would I be one of those freaks that no one talks to? I just wonder how things could’ve gone differently in so many ways. I just always ponder how many different ways my life could’ve gone. all the different roads or paths i could’ve taken. i just wish i knew. but then at the same time i kind of think i’m infinte because of it. i mean, all the different ways my life could’ve gone. it’s like i live in a miltitude of different universes but my present self is stuck in this one. i just wish i knew ya know. i just wish i could be normal. why can’t i be normal? i wish i wouldn’t have to hide all the time. i wish i could just be. i wish people wouldn’t judge me for the real me. it would just make life more easier. but then at the same time i blend my public and private face to create this. and it’s confusing. cause i can’t always tell where i begin and the fake me ends. i wish it could clearer, but it’s not. maybe it’s because i don’t deserve to. maybe it’s because i lie about who i am all the time and hide in the shadows. i’m just so lost. is this what high school is? i just want out.
I just want to cuddle up with you and watch cute movies and look into your eyes and kiss you lots and then fall asleep in your arms.
I just want to rip off your clothes and get pushed against the wall with my arms pinned up and make out and push you onto your bed and we can fuck the shit out of each other, ok.
last night i opened up to someone. someone that i considered to be my friend. i still consider her to be my friend. but she rejected who i am. everything i am. because i can’t be me all the time. i can only share so much with society at one time. i can’t be myself all the time because people slowly peck me down until only a shadow of me remains. so i hide myself. i hide the parts that i’m never wiling to lose. and she doesn’t understand that.
i scared her with all my beliefs too. i’m not going to share them right now because i can’t handle the rejection for someone else. i just made her scared of me and i brought her back to a bad time. and i feel so horrendous about it. i have guilt over it because i shouldn’t have opened up the way i did. i’m sad about that. that is the only way i can say that.so if she is reading this, she knows who she is, i’m sorry. i shouldn’t have told you that.
i’m exhausted though. and i’m so tired. i don’t sleep. and when i don’t sleep i go cray. i always wonder why that happens. i become a different person. i don’t recognize myself. in a way i do. on a molecular level i do, but i can’t look in the mirror and say i can fully recognize and understand the person in the mirror.
i kind of become a stranger, but i kind of recognize that stranger. it’s so weird. i don’t even think i fully understand it. maybe i’m just crazy or maybe i’m just tired. i just don’t even know what to do with myself. i honest to god don’t. i’m lost and i don’t know how to save myself. but suicide is not an option. i’ve just got to learn to live.
So tonight I shall write about sweet soft nothing’s. But not too sweet. They’ll be a little bit spicy if you catch my drift here. Well actually a lot spicy and a little bit f sweetness.
I want to have sex. I want to make love with somebody I love. I want to fuck. I want to do it. But I mostly want to make love. I want to make slow, erotic meaningful love. The love you read about in romance novels. I want it to be sinfully good on every way possible. I want to have earth shattering sex. I want our bodies to join in the most primal way and do the dance that’s been done since the dawn of the humans.
I want it all. I’m pretty sure I will get it all someday too. It’s kinda what keeps me up some nights. The imagery of it all. The fantasy. It makes some places go hard while others go soft. It makes me want to grab a guy and just fuck to sastify the craving. But then I want to save it all for the one guy. The guy I know I will spend the rest of my life. I know it is incredibly cliche to even think that but I want. Not for religion or anything like that. I want it for me. So when I have sex with my husband, I know he will have been the only man to lay hands on, the only man to spill his essence with, the only man to look me in the eyes will his fucking me. But I don’t care if he’s a virgin or not. As long as he knows his way around I’m ok with a lot of things. Not all but a lot. I’m crazy aren’t I? I think I am, but I’m ok with it. I know it’s just me in there. Night y’all’s. Or good morning or good afternoon, whatever the time is.
How do you tell somebody who won’t listen when you talk? You don’t. Simple as that. But in reality it isn’t because your mind may listen but your heart won’t. There’s a reason why you wanted to talk them. And it hurts when they don’t listen. It feels like your being rejected, but sometimes they know what they did wrong and other times they don’t.
So I’m going to talk about me and my cousins some more tonight. See the thing is the youngest cousin has a lot of issues and has to take a lot of medication to barely live a life, and it is most certainly not your average life. So my older cousin, lets name her Melody, my younger cousin Kassandra and me Alice. I hope you’ll follow along here. These are my cousins on my dads side of the family. Kassandra is very much so dependent on Melody and a lot of the times I’m shuffled off to the side or when I try to talk about my problems they always revert back to Kassandra. I don’t think it’s really fair at all because I matter just as much as Kassandra does. When we were younger Melody hated Kassandra and me and Melody were best friends. But then someday that all changed and I didn’t matter nearly as much. It sucked. I don’t expect to be the center of things, it’s just not fair to be the after thought in everything. I don’t want to be that. In some way I hate the two of them for that very fact. And I wish they sometimes find this blog and just know it’s about them. Then they would know if all the pain they have caused me over the years. Then they would know. I know in the past the three of us have had talks about this, but nothing really ever changes. It may for a week or a couple of days. But never much longer than that because Kassandra starts to have some problems and Melody rushes to help her. I know she needs it but I wish she didn’t. Because Melody used to be my hero, my sister. But she no longer is and it breaks my heart. It’s just one less person I can consider my family. When I’m away from them my life goes back to normal and I don’t think a single thought again. I remember last year I used to tell my friend Addy about how excited I was to go see Melody that summer. But I got there and I was only disappointed. I was in denial for a couple of years. But now I’m starting to see reality more and reality sucks. A lot. I just wish it wasn’t so. I really do wish it wasn’t that way. Can somebody just make all my problems disappear only for a little while?
I purge myself of all my deepest insecurities on here. It’s scary as hell. I worry that somebody from school will recognize this and divulge all my secrets to the school. But then I guess I’m not because I write on here no problem. So I guess that’s really not my problem. But it’s 4 something in the morning where I’m at. And I’m thinking all those thoughts that make you feel so lonely and you cry out of pity for yourself which is basically ridiculous. Anyways to my problems. I’m the middle of three cousins. Well it’s not just us three we just happen to be the closets. I’m fourteen. Youngest just turned the 13 yesterday and the oldest is 18. I’m kind of pushed aside most of the time between the two. I always miss them when I don’t see them but the missing is getting less and less every time. They are almost just cousins to me now instead of sisters. I come visit them. I sit on a plane for 4 hours hoping things will be different this time. That I won’t get pushed aside. But it happens every time. I fucking hate. It I feel so…..unloved in a way. No not unloved, neglected. So I play the cousin who doesn’t give two fucks about anything, crack wise jokes and hang with my uncle, the nanny and my grandparents versus them. They have so many little secrets between them it’s pointless even trying to join in. It’s just such a waste of hope every time. It just pisses me off to no extent. I’m the only child between my parents so I don’t have any siblings, so my cousins kind of become my siblings. But they aren’t so much anymore. And I know they say you chose your family, well that’s not the case for me right now. It’s not at all. I don’t have any friends I feel like I can tell my deepest darkest secrets to and not be judged for it, or they just pat me on my back when times are rough. They aren’t going to pick up the pieces and put me back together. They are the type of people to move the fuck on with life. I think there’s one friend who has the potential to be more, but there’s no time for it. Every time I come out here it really makes me see I’m almost floating through life with nothing tying me down except for my parents and a friend or two. Nothin’ life changing. And it’s annoying because I know my parents aren’t always going to be there to solve my problems, at least temporarily. And the friends. Who the hell knows what it will be like in a couple of months. I’ve always been the one person floating in and out of people’s lives and vice versa. It bothers me because I know there isn’t a lot for me to fall back on. No one to shoulder all the hard shit with me, to get shit faced drunk and laugh about it 10 years later or to be old and wrinkly with while our grandchildren become fast friends. I want that type of friendship. The one that lasts through time and is as real as the earth is real. And I want something to tie me down. Something that I know that isn’t going to change except for grow and become a better person. That’s what I need. It’s what I want but who knows if I’m ever going to get that. There’s just a part of me that’s hallow cause I’m not surrounded by people I want to consider brothers and sister. I want a huge family that is only ours to call because the strength of our friendships. Is it to much to ask for?
I kinda hate this time of year. I basically don’t sleep at all. I’m running on empty but I don’t know why. It’s jut so weird. But it does keep me up late so I get all these weird ass things in my head late at night. You know the soul searching thoughts that make so much sense in the now but in the future? It’s just so weird. It’s almost what I would imagine being high like. But what do I have to compare that to? It’s almost like being high off life. Not necessarily in a good way but not in a bad way either. But what does it all mean? What does it all amount to? Is it just a bunch of skeletons sitting in the closet or is it the start of a new beginning that’s start with dusk and ends with sunrise? Who in fucks sakes knows? Jesus that what angry but real. I just search the edges of my mind an come up with this hit that makes no sense. It’s just a jumble of thoughts that’s relatable but not understandable through words. You feel it with every waking atom and cell in your body but your brain just refuses to even recognize beyond the fact that its word in a language. How does that even happen? Maybe it’s your heart taking over and your mind finally shutting down. Maybe it’s just giving the heart to prove the brain wrong for once. To not let me get hurt. To not have these hopes and dreams only crushed by the harsh truth of reality. What if or once your mind was wrong and your heart was right? It would be a war well won. It would be an age old battle finally coming to an end. Only to start up for the next soul in line. It’s just a never ending cycle. It just doesn’t end. Your heart and your head never stop battling against each other. And the one day they agree on everything it’s heaven. But then there’s nothing to fall back except for the failure or success of the mission.
I wonder absolutely insane I sound right now. I probably sound like a mad person. But it just makes sense to me. It just maps out my thought process for me. I’m not hiding anything right now. But maybe I am. I don’t know. It’s just something hiding from me. Maybe it’s that boy. I think of him a lot but I don’t think he’s the one. I think he’s just frog. He’s not me prince. I really don’t believe in fairy tales or happy endings I just believe in life. See I think I’ll know when I meet the one. I just know that when I know he’s the one he’s the one. I just now in my heart and gut ill have the ease with him that you only read in the romance novels. And the love that’s simple but complicated like Chuck and Blair’s love (Poop reference I know but they are on to something there). It’s got to be soul wrenching. It can’t be a perfect love because that will do nothing for me. It won’t keep me by that persons side. It won’t make me chose between my life and theirs. I need the love that’s all consuming but forgiving and unforgiving that harsh and cruel but soft and sweet. I just need it. I feel it in my bones. I just know. There are no questions to ask but what do I do until then? I feel like my life is a waste til then and who knows how long I will have to wait. I almost feel like every guy I date I’m betraying that love. But I don’t want to be alone til then. I don’t know what to do. Every crush I have, I feel like is nothing to what the love I have for him. It’s just a silly school girl crush. It feels so weird to be so sure in something so unknown. I wonder how weird it is to read this. I dot know. But I feel so vulnerable but free at the same time. I just feel like there is nothing that can’t hurt since everything important I have to say is out there. I wonder where this confidence came from. Maybe it’s the night. Who knows.
I just realized it has been over a year since I decided to be happy. I didn’t even realize it. Good golly has the time flown by.
OK so I sometimes have these HUGE questions about life. They are so big they become all consuming. It’s horrendous but amazing at the same time. I feel like the blackness takes over but then I’m in control and I want the blackness to stay but it doesn’t. It ebbs away. It disappears. It just all way to confusing. I hate it. I love it. It just doesn’t make any sense but it makes perfect sense. I feel like a kaleidoscope but something is missing. And it’s missing majorly. I sometimes sit up at night and wish there was somebody I could share my bed with, bare my soul to and be accepted for it. I just wish it was a lot easier than what it really is. I wish I didn’t feel so lonely. So empty. I just wait and wait for that piece to fix me but I don’t know how long I can wait or how long I will have to wait. Why can’t somebody just be there? Why can’t somebody fix me and I fix them? I just need fixing and I need saving and I need another million things. I need to feel like I’m floating on cloud nine, but I need somebody there to be there with me. I just need. I don’t know why I need so much. Why can’t I need less? Why can’t I just be? Just why? And I toss and turn a million times with these thoughts on my mind. I read and read hoping it will fill the void but I don’t know if it will. I’m almost positive it ever will. I just need a storybook romance. Weather it’s a Disney one or an untypical-crazy one I just need a romance. I just need a cuddle. A kiss. And a little more. I just need and I want to give what I need in tenfold. I just need for somebody to tell me “I’m the shit.” and mean it.